Welcome to Life, Population: Us
by Duck Life
Summary: Whitney moves back to DC, Jasper and Maggie are secretly dating, and a cursed mummy is wreaking havoc in the museum. And Henry still doesn't understand modern music. Whitry, Jaggie. Please R&R!
1. Chapter 1

"_I wanna touch ya in a parka in Russia." – 3OH!3_

Henry wrapped his flimsy jacket around his shoulders and shivered. He was visiting his parents in Moscow for Christmas, and his American wardrobe had no effect against the bitingly frigid air. "Snow," he grumbled, stalking forward awkwardly in his dad's too-big snow boots.

He saw her from across the street, trudging through the slush in a more sensible thick parka. "Whitney?" he called, walking toward her for a closer look. If she'd had her hood up he never would have known, but it was down and he could see her face. It was unmistakable.

"Henry?" she gasped, incredulous, running across the road. "I can't believe you're here!"

"I'm spending Christmas with my parents," he explained, grinning and ignoring the snowflakes becoming embedded in his hair. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm visiting my Babushka," she said. "Where are you staying?" He gestured up the street. "That's really close to where I am."

"You should come over for dinner," he suggested.

"Oh, no, I really don't want to intrude or anything…"

"It's fine," he said, taking her hand. "Come on."

* * *

"Thanks so much for dinner, Mrs. Griffin," Whitney said politely when she'd finished eating.

"Well, you're very welcome," she smiled. "We always appreciate having Henry's friends over."

"And you can tell us the truth," laughed Zafer Griffin, "Henry hasn't been getting into any trouble all the way in America, has he?"

"Dad," he groaned. Whitney smirked.

"No, he's been a model citizen," she smiled, winking at Henry, guessing correctly that his parents would not be thrilled to discover that he'd been fighting Russian spies. "Actually, it's funny that we should run into each other, I've been thinking of moving back to DC. My brother's living up there, and I don't like my new school. I miss Smithson." Henry's stomach leapt.

"You should!" he said. "That would be awful."

"What?"

"Oh…" His face flushed as he realized his mistake. "Uh, usually Jasper's around to translate for me. I meant 'good.'"

"Oh," she laughed. "So… when are you going back to the States?"

"Monday," said Henry.

"Cool," she said, standing up. "I should go home and talk to my parents. Maybe I can fly to Washington with you. Thanks for dinner again, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin."

* * *

A few days later, Henry and Whitney sat side by side on a flight back to Washington, DC. She was flipping through a Sky Mall magazine, and he was struggling with his MP3 player. Giving up, he turned to his companion, realizing something.

"Hey, you know, we never talked about what happened back in Washington, in the kitchen." She looked up apprehensively, knowing immediately what he was talking about.

"Oh, well," she said, her voice unusually high. "Your hand was on my shoulder."

"Like this."

"Yeah, and I was a lot closer… like this."

"And then you kind of looked up…"

"And then-"

* * *

"Well, I don't remember _that _part happening last time," he said, sitting back. Whitney blushed. Trying to break the tension, he pulled his MP3 player back out of the seat pocket in front of him and glanced at the screen, which had finally lit up. "Hey, I think it's working now!" He read the title of the song currently playing: "My First Kiss." "Never mind," he muttered, quickly shoving the device into his pocket. He glanced at Whitney, who was staring out the window. "Hey, listen…" She turned back to him, and, embarrassed, he pursed his lips and looked away from her. "I've never done this before, but… will you go outside with me?"

"Outside the airplane?" she asked, confused. "We're 35,000 feet up."

"That's not what I meant," he groaned sinking into his seat. "I meant-"

"Oh!" she gasped. "Oh." She bit her lip and looked down at her fiddling hands in her lap. "Yeah, okay." He smiled awkwardly, their shoulders brushed, and the plane began to descend.

* * *

**A/N: No, Henry probably doesn't listen to 3OH!3. Jasper must have put that song on his MP3 player. Speaking of Jasper, I saw a red Smart Car the other day and got all excited. This must be what fans of Edward Cullen feel when they see a silver Volvo. **


	2. Chapter 2

"_I'll keep you my dirty little secret."-The All-American Rejects_

Jasper, Maggie had decided, was an unexpectedly good kisser. They were standing just outside the local movie theater after seeing Inception. (It was their compromise movie- they'd argued too much because Maggie wanted to see Eat Pray Love and Jasper wanted to see Vampires Suck.) They'd both enjoyed the film, but the complicated plot and philosophical ideas about dreams were beginning to slide out of Maggie's head as his slender fingers weaved through her hair. She could taste the butter and salt from the popcorn on his lips.

"We should go," Jasper admitted reluctantly, pulling away. "I don't want your dad to be mad at me for bringing you home late."

She sighed. "My dad knows, your dad knows, pretty much the entire school knows. What are we going to do tomorrow when Henry gets back?"

"I have an idea," he said mockingly. "We _tell _him about us." She crossed her arms and frowned at him.

"We're keeping this from him, Jasper," she said. "We'll find a way."

"Why?" he groaned as they started across the parking lot.

"Because it's really awkward for someone when his two friends start dating," she explained patiently for the third time that day.

"And how would you know?" he contradicted, glancing at her and raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, you know," she mumbled vaguely, looking at her feet and blushing furiously. "I saw it on iCarly once." Jasper started to laugh but stopped when she elbowed him in the ribs. "But that's not the point. It's a basic reaction of human emotions. I don't want Henry to feel like a third wheel." She quickly rounded on him as he opened his mouth. "And _don't _make any dirty jokes about tricycles. This is your cousin we're talking about."

He stared at her. "That's not what I was going to say, but thank-you for _that _image," he said, shuddering. "I was just going to tell you that he's eventually going to find out about us."

"That doesn't have to happen," she reasoned. "I'm sure we'll be able to conceal it from him for long enough- I mean, it's not like he's exactly _good _at picking up on this kind of thing- and by the time he does find out, it'll probably be over."

"Oh great," he grumbled, opening the passenger's door of his Smart Car for her, "you're already planning our break-up." She rolled her eyes.

"That's not what I meant," she continued as he started the car. "What we need to do is kind of get him used to the idea of us as a couple. We could flirt when we know he's watching… you know, obviously enough for him to get it."

"Yeah, the only way Henry's going to 'get it' is if we start making out in front of him."

"Or you could tell him that you like me," she suggested. "That's the kind of thing you guys talk about, right?"

"Not really," he said.

"Then what do you talk about?"

"Oh, you know… whether or not we're out of cereal." She looked at him. "What?"

"I envy the close relationship you two have," she said in a voice saturated with sarcasm. He laughed and turned a corner into her neighborhood.

"We'll figure something out," he assured her. "And if you want this to stay a secret, then I won't tell him."

"Thanks," she said, smiling in the dark of the car. He pulled into her driveway and walked around the car to let her out. "My dad is watching from the window," she warned as he took her hand. He laughed.

"I know," he said, pecking her on the cheek despite her cautioning.

"And now he hates you," she sighed. He grinned mischievously.

"Then I guess I might as well," he said, kissing her full on the mouth. She came away blushing and hurried to the front porch.

"I'm so grounded!" she laughed, leaning against the door and waving to him as he drove away. Preparing herself for the onslaught of questions and lecturing, she opened the door and stepped inside.

* * *

**A/N: Hunter, Whitney, Tamba, and a bunch of other random characters that only an obsessive fan (I believe we should be called Unnaturallites, or perhaps Unnatural Historians) have been added to the character list! Now we can right stories about Garko. Or perhaps Shelley Wagner.**

**In other news, I absolutely love geography tests now because every other country I'm thinking, "Henry lived there. Henry lived there. Henry lived there."**

**Insanely long author's note, aren't you glad I saved it for the end?**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Inclucky Charms: Lucky Charms that by an unfortunate coincidence contain no marshmallows.**

o-o-o

"_I'm gonna give all my secrets away."- OneRepublic_

Maggie and Jasper hurried through the hallways of Smithson, Jasper clinging to her hand. She tried to shake him off again, but he was persistent. "Come on, I didn't abandon Henry at home without a ride just so you could avoid me," he sighed. She jerked her hand out of his grasp.

"He's really fast," she said. "He'll be here soon, and we don't want him to walk in and see us holding hands."

"No, _you _don't want him to walk in and see us holding hands," corrected Jasper. "_I _want to tell him the truth."

"Think about it this way," she said exasperatedly. "In third grade, when you were 'dating' Arianna Gish, you immediately told your best friend, right?"

"Best friend…"

"Meaning your dad, I know," she continued. "And a week later Arianna broke up with you."

"I still disagree," he said, "although I do think that should be the reason we assign to her breaking up with me."

"Guys!" called Henry, running towards them. Maggie took an exaggerated step away from Jasper.

"Hey, haven't seen you in forever!" she gushed, hugging him.

"I missed you, too," said Henry, turning to Jasper. "Why did you leave without me?"

"You weren't in the car?" he said, perfecting a fake expression of shock. Behind Henry, Maggie was trying not to laugh. "Because I could've _sworn_…"

o-o-o-o-o

Jasper and Maggie followed Henry to the DOUM rooms that afternoon. "I'm telling you," said Jasper, "he's totally evil. Who gives a pop quiz the day after we get our notes?"

"Jasper, you can't call people _evil _just because you didn't study," replied Maggie, sliding her key card through and stepping into the mail shed.

"Maybe I had other stuff going on," smirked Jasper. Furious, Maggie ushered Henry into the shed and spun to face Jasper.

"Will you cut that out?" she hissed. "This thing is supposed to be a secret!"

"Why?" he groaned. "I just wanna tell him. It would be so much easier."

"We're not telling him," she insisted. He grinned slyly.

"Okay," he said, backing towards the door. "Whatever you say, Mags."

"What are you-" she began, walking towards him, but before she could reach the door he slammed it, locking it and leaning against it so she couldn't get in.

"Hey, Henry, I really need to talk to you," he said rapidly, ignoring Maggie's yelling and pounding on the door.

"What's this thing?" said Henry, as usual lost in his own world. He was kneeling beside a long box on the floor. He wedged his fingers beneath the lid, intent to pry it open.

"That's great, but seriously, I need to tell you something important," said Jasper impatiently, feeling the door behind him shudder as Maggie banged on it. Just then the door opposite him opened and Whitney Coleman walked in. "Whitney?" he said, surprised.

"Oh, hi, Jasper," she said warmly, waving to him.

"You're back?" he asked, momentarily forgetting about telling Henry.

"Yeah, isn't it great?" said Henry, standing up. "She moved back to DC."

"Great!" agreed Jasper. Whitney turned towards Henry.

"Hey, I found that crate you were looking for, but it's under this other one that I can't lift," she explained. "Can you help me with it?"

"Yeah, I'll be down in a sick," said Henry.

"Sec," corrected Jasper, unsure of whether his cousin heard him or not.

"Thanks," said Whitney, and kissed him before returning to the DOUM rooms. Jasper stared after her.

"So Whitney's back?" he said.

"I know, it's fantastic," said Henry.

"And you two are… like, a thing?" asked Jasper.

"Yeah," beamed Henry.

"And we've had all last night and today for you to tell me this and yet I haven't found out until just now?" said Jasper, raising his eyebrows. He felt a little miffed, especially over the fact that he'd had to listen to Henry's excruciatingly detailed description of his family's Christmas tradition of exchanging ornaments and Henry hadn't thought to bring up his new girlfriend.

"I just didn't think it was that important," he shrugged.

"Didn't think it was that important," repeated Jasper.

"Yeah," said Henry. "So what did you want to talk about?" Jasper stared at him.

"Nothing, nothing at all." He stepped away from the door and Maggie went flying in. He flung an arm out to catch her, which she shoved away angrily.

"Whatever Jasper says is a lie," she gasped as quickly as possible, leaning against the table.

"He didn't tell me anything," said Henry. Jasper smiled smugly as Maggie shuffled backwards, realizing her slip-up.

"I just meant in general," she said. Jasper coughed, badly disguising a laugh.

"Alright," said Henry. "I'm going to go get that crate for Whitney. And when I get back, I want to figure out what's in that box," he finished, pointing to the box on the floor.

After he left, Maggie rounded on Jasper. "I can't believe you locked me out!"

"Whitney's back and Henry's dating her," he rolled off. She gaped.

"And he didn't tell us?" she huffed, leaning down. "Then we're opening his stupid box without him."

"Nice," agreed Jasper, sinking to his knees and struggling to lift the lid. Maggie watched, laughing, as he attempted to crack open the wooden box. Eventually, he gave up, sinking back against the desk. "We need a saw or something," he sighed. She rolled her eyes, straightened up, and hefted the box open in one quick movement. He stared in amazement and embarrassment. "Well, I loosened it for you."

"Check this out," she said. He crawled around the box to where she was sitting.

"Oh, that's dead," he said.

"It's a mummy," she murmured, leaning over the blackened corpse shape. "What's it doing in the mail shed?"

"Lying in a box. Can we please get out of here?" he said, his voice raising in pitch.

"Yeah, sure," she said, shutting the box and standing up. She and Jasper left the shed, leaving behind the mummy without realizing how complicated it would soon make their lives.


	4. Chapter 4

"_Nobody will have to know, just hit me with a text."- Jason Derülo_

Whitney hurried into homeroom and jumped into the seat beside Maggie. "Hey, is anyone sitting here?" she chirped, setting her book bag on the floor.

"You are," replied Maggie, yawning and sitting up.

"I'm so excited to be back at Smithson," she said, pulling a binder out of her backpack and setting it on her desk. Maggie stared at her. "What?"

"How are you so…" she trailed off, searching for the right word.

"Energetic?" supplied Whitney.

"Awake," said Maggie. "I've had three cups of coffee already this morning and I can't keep my head off the desk."

"Oh," said Whitney, slipping a pencil case out of her bag and unzipping it. "Jet lag. This afternoon I'll be crashing."

"Does Henry ever get jet lag?" Maggie wondered aloud, cracking her knuckles.

"I think he's gotten used to it," said Whitney. She was wearing a new sweater she'd bought just before leaving Russia with Henry. When she decided to move back to DC, she'd realized that none of her new Georgia clothes would be warm enough.

"Speaking of Henry," began Maggie, "I heard that you two are kind of a thing." Whitney blushed.

"Yeah, a little bit," she sang. Maggie opened her mouth to say something else, but just then Professor Bowers stalked in.

"Quiet!" he yelled to the silent class. He slumped into his desk and began to call roll. All through class, Maggie wrestled with the temptation to write a note to Whitney. She was desperate for information- how had this happened? What was it? Normally she wasn't interested in gossip of any kind, but Henry was her best friend. Really, she and Whitney had also been good friends before Whitney had moved. Maggie was a little angry at him, too, for being so unpredictable. It threw her off. Nobody, especially her, had ever expected someone like Henry Griffin to start dating. It was as unlikely as…

She frowned. It was as unlikely as the idea of her and Jasper dating. Something made her feel like Henry was close to finding out about them.

o-o-o-o-o

That afternoon, Jasper was stretched out on the couch, watching _Tower Prep_, when Henry came in from driving Whitney home. "Hey, Jasper," he said. "I accidentally took your phone instead of mine this morning, and Maggie sent you an e-tweety text."

Jasper straightened up, worried. "Oh?" he said, pretending to sound uninterested. He was still staring at the television screen, but not really absorbing anything.

"Yeah," continued Henry, shedding his jacket and dropping it in front of the door instead of hanging it in the closet, like Jasper had been pestering him to do since he'd moved in. "It says, 'Thanks for the love poem, sweetie'." Henry glanced up at him, raising his eyebrows. "Sweetie?"

Jasper bit his lip, thinking. He saw two options: lying and escaping out the window. Because he knew that Henry was faster than him and would catch him before he'd unlatched the window pane, he decided to come up with what was hopefully a convincing story. "It's a typo," he said. "She meant 'sweaty.' That's what she calls me when she sees me after Gym."

"Then what did she mean by 'love poem'?" asked Henry. He looked suspicious, but not certain. Jasper guessed that he knew something was going on, but he hadn't yet grasped what that _something _was.

"In English class we were supposed to be analyzing one of Shakespeare's sonnets," he lied quickly. "But she left hers at home, so I made her a copy."

"What about this little heart?" he persisted, holding out the phone towards Jasper so he could see a red cartoon heart at the end of the text. _Stupid emoticons._

"That's her way of reminding me that we have Biology homework tonight on the cardio-vascular system," he said, crossing his fingers behind his back both for luck that Henry would believe him and because he wasn't being truthful. Henry shrugged.

"Okay," he said, sitting beside him on the couch. "Hey, guess what?"

Praying that they'd avoided the secret Maggie-Jasper topic, he replied, "What?"

"I figured out what was in that box in the DOUM shed." He was excited, eager to be exploring and discovering again. He was back in his element- something about which Jasper was both happy and terrified.

"I know, it's a mummy," said Jasper. "Maggie and I opened the box while you and Whitney were making out in the DOUM rooms."

"We were _not _'making out'," said Henry defensively. "And yeah, it's a mummy, but listen. I was talking to Garko today, and apparently, that mummy was found in the ground _below _the tomb of the great pharaoh Tutankhamun." Jasper stared at him.

"You mean King Tut?" he clarified. Henry nodded.

"Apparently, someone was digging around there and they found this big sarcophagus embedded in the ground," continued Henry excitedly.

"That's amazing," said Jasper tonelessly, getting worried. "Listen, Hen, don't get sucked into this one. Please?" Henry wasn't listening. He appeared to be plotting.

"Maybe there's some account of an official higher up than King Tut in the museum's archives," he said, the feverish glint that Maggie and Jasper feared so much creeping into his eyes.

"'I'm going to the DOUM rooms,'" Jasper mimicked under his breath, anticipating his cousin's next words.

"I'm going to the DOUM rooms," said Henry, not having heard him, standing up and grabbing his jacket from the floor. "You coming?"

"Nah, I think I'm just gonna chill," he said, sliding his cell phone closer to him with what he hoped was a guiltless expression.

"'Kay," said Henry, stepping out the door. "See you later."


	5. Chapter 5

"_Maybe you shouldn't, oh-oh, kiss and tell." –Ke$ha_

If Jasper had his way, Maggie would never leave his arms. He leaned down, burrowing his face into her soft brown hair and inhaling the scent of her papaya shampoo. She kissed him again, but the shrill sound of his cell phone suddenly broke the air. "You should get that," she murmured.

"Probably a wrong number," he said, not moving.

"It's Henry's personalized ringtone," she said.

"Is it?" He shook his head as if coming out of a trance.

"Yeah," replied Maggie. "Natureboy." Nodding, he answered the phone and flopped down on his bed.

"Hey, Henry," he said, trying to clear his throat. "I'm just hanging out with Maggie, just doing normal friend stuff." She gave him a sarcastic thumbs-up. "Hang on, I can't hear you." He pressed the phone closer to his ear. "You're _where_?" _Where is he? _mouthed Maggie, but he shook her off. "Yeah, we'll be right there." He ended the call, staring at the phone a little incredulously.

"What happened?" asked Maggie. He glanced up at her.

"Well…" He laughed. "You'll see when we get there."

* * *

"So," said Jasper one ride in his Smart Car (or, as Maggie had taken to calling it, the Jasper-mobile) later, looking down at where the entire upper half of Henry's body appeared to be trapped in one of the school's vending machines. His legs were hanging out of the front slot, and his cell phone was lodged between his leg and the machine. "You were reaching down to pick up your bag of chips and you just fell in?" Henry looked at him through the smudged glass of the vending machine.

"Yes, that is what happened." Maggie snorted, then covered her mouth in embarrassment.

"It's a coin-only vending machine," she pointed out, "and you never carry coins, Henry." Jasper, with as much emphasis as humanly possible, turned towards her and stared at her before he began to sarcastically slow-clap.

"Congratulations, Mags," he said, "on finding the biggest flaw in Henry's lie." She looked down at her feet sheepishly. "Seriously, Henry, it's not convincing at all. I mean, we all know you're not that much of a… Butterfingers." They all glanced up at the row of Butterfinger bars in the machine.

"Hilarious," said Henry wryly. "Now will you please get me out?"

"Of course," promised Jasper. "We wouldn't leave you here. We're like the Three Musketeers." Henry rolled his eyes.

"You know what," said Maggie, "he's right. We should be helping him, not… Snickering." Jasper and Maggie erupted into laughter, and Henry tried to wriggle out of the vending machine.

"Hey, hey…" gasped Jasper, still laughing. "Kit Kat bars!" Maggie and Henry both stared at him like he'd lost his mind.

Shaking her head, Maggie told him, "You lost it." He shoved her playfully and kneeled down to assist Henry.

"Tell the truth," said Jasper. "How did you get in here?" Henry sighed.

"Hunter and his friends saw me going up to the museum and attacked me," he explained. Jasper reached up and tried to shake the machine, jostling it a bit. "Ow," muttered Henry.

"Wait a minute," said Jasper. "You can fight off a herd of ninjas and you can't keep a group of teenagers from shoving you in a vending machine?"

"Not just teenagers," Henry reminded him. "Football-playing teenagers. And ninjas don't travel in herds."

"Whatever," said Jasper, gripping him under his arms and yanking him out in one quick motion. Henry slid out, skidding across the slick linoleum and crashing into the wall opposite.

"Ow!" he screeched. "Oh my God! A little warning?" He curled over, rubbing his neck. "You know, I have been in a lot of painful situations, so coming from me this really means something: I think this might be the most pain I've ever been in."

"Then you've obviously never seen any of the Matrix sequels," said Jasper, pushing the vending machine back against the wall. He brushed off his hands, noticing with distaste that some unknown residue on the side of the vending machine had clung to his fingertips. "Well," he said. "I'm going back home."

"Well, now that you're here," said Henry as Jasper and Maggie turned to leave, "do you guys want to stay here and help me out?" Maggie chewed her lip.

"We really should," she said quietly to Jasper.

"Yeah, I guess," he said, staring down at the floor. She rolled her eyes.

"_I _really should," she clarified. He grinned.

"Then I'll see you tomorrow," he said, pleased to get out of hanging around the museum. He reached towards her for their usual goodbye kiss before realizing that Henry was watching them, and quickly turned it into an awkward high-five. Jasper waved to Henry and jogged out the door.

* * *

Maggie and Henry slipped into the DOUM shed. He flicked the light switch and she blinked rapidly, adjusting to the sudden burst of brightness. "So," she said, still partially blinded, "what's with the whole Whitney-Henry thing? I mean, what's that about?"

"What do you mean?" he asked, walking towards one of the tables in the middle of the room.

"I mean, it's… kind of confusing," she explained, unsure as to whether he was even paying attention to her.

"How is it confusing?"

"Never mind." She should have talked to Whitney more when she had the chance- clearly she could never get a straight answer from Henry, especially about something like modern teenage relationships. "So what are we looking for again?"

"Records from ancient Egypt," he replied, "or an account of some mummy legend or a file on that mummy in the box." He leaned forward, took a pile of yellowed papers off a shelf, and spread them out on a table.

"What are these?" said Maggie.

"Could be anything- censuses, letters, newspapers. Nothing in this room is organized." She groaned- Maggie was practically OCD, and the idea of an entire room without any order whatsoever made her shudder.

"Then I guess we should start looking through them."

They sifted through the papers for over an hour and found nothing. Henry's shoulders slumped, disappointed. He wished for Jasper's laptop, despite his ineptness with technology. That "Googol" or whatever his cousin called it could be useful.

"Hey, look at this," said Maggie. He edged around the table to see her holding a small sheet of paper. "Looks like notes on something… about vinegar, maybe? Isn't vinegar used in mummification?"

"Yeah…" he murmured, leaning over the paper. She pointed to a slightly smudged scribble.

"What does that say?" He tilted it upward.

"I think," he said, "it might be hieroglyphics." He stared at it in concentration. "I'm pretty sure that means 'one who flies'… and that's 'the river'…"

"Or," she sighed, realizing and flipping the paper around so that the confusing scribble clearly read as the word yogurt, "it's just Garko's grocery list." Henry's shoulders fell. She turned to remind him that they'd just started looking and realized that he was standing extremely close to her. He looked down but didn't move.

"Maggie," he said. She tried to step back, but his hand appeared to be blocking her. Suddenly, his face loomed right in front of her.


	6. Chapter 6

"_I don't want you to leave me though you caught me cheating." –Jason Derülo_

"You did _what_?" yelped Jasper.

"I know, it's horrible," she sighed. Maggie had left the museum before Henry and had immediately gone to Jasper's house. "I promise, it didn't mean anything. I didn't even kiss him back."

"Yeah," he snorted, "because girls are pretty nonchalant about making out with Henry Griffin, with his abs, and his… I'm going to rephrase that in a straight-sounding way."

"Don't bother," said Maggie. "I know what you mean, and I _swear _it wasn't like that. He just kissed me and then I started freaking out, and I was just thinking 'Why is he doing this?' and then I tried to step back but he kind of slipped and it didn't work and we were still kissing and…" She paused, near hyperventilation. He put a hand on her shoulder.

"I'm not mad at you for cheating," he assured her. She looked up at him.

"You're not?"

"No," he said. "If you say it was all him, I believe you. I'm not going to spaz out over something that didn't really happen." He smiled. "I know where I stand in this relationship."

"Oh," she said. "No, you don't. But it's funny that you think you do." He rolled his eyes.

"I am mad at you, though," he said. "I'm mad at you for letting _him _cheat on Whitney."

"What?" she said incredulously. "How is that my fault?"

"Henry's new to dating," explained Jasper. "He probably didn't understand that-"

"He's _international_, Jasper, not clueless," she replied. "He knew what he was doing, and he went and did it anyway."

"But why?" he said. "He's so happy with Whitney."

"I don't know," she shrugged. "Why did Tiger Woods cheat on _his _wife?"

"That's right," said Jasper, looking around. "We should check in the closet for thirteen _other _girls." She started to laugh, but then the sound of the front door opening floated through the open bedroom door.

"Henry's home," she whispered. Voices filled the hall, one female and one male. "Whitney's with him."

"Do they sound angry?" asked Jasper, moving with her towards the door.

"I- you know, we really shouldn't be eavesdropping," she replied disapprovingly.

"You're right, we really shouldn't," he agreed, making no move to walk away. He heard Whitney yell something, and Henry's surprisingly argumentative response. "I can't believe this," sighed Jasper. "It's like when Ross and Rachel broke up." She raised her eyebrows. "What? It's an accurate comparison. And there was a Friends marathon on last night." She shook her head in exasperation and moved closer to the door.

"At least I told you!" came Henry's voice from downstairs. "It's not like I lied to you or anything!" Jasper was slowly nodding in agreement, but stopped in surprise when he heard Whitney screaming.

"You think I care that you came running forward to tell me all about it?" she shrieked. "You think that makes this okay?" Maggie glanced over and saw that Jasper was recording the shouting match on his cell phone.

"What are you doing?" she hissed.

"It's like a soap opera," he explained under his breath. "This could come in handy." Glaring at him, she resumed her listening in.

"Maybe it wouldn't have happened," said Henry, "if _you _had gone to the museum with me!"

"Ooh," whispered Jasper, shaking his head. It was quiet for a moment.

"I can't hear anything," complained Maggie.

"Maybe he grabbed her and kissed her dramatically and now everything's okay," suggested Jasper. She rolled her eyes.

"That doesn't really work, Jasper," she said. "I told you that when we started going out."

"What does work?" he wondered, wincing as he heard the front door slam.

"For this?" said Maggie, frowning. "Maybe nothing."

o-o-o-o

Henry was slumped on the couch, staring at the wall and wondering how he could have messed up so badly. In one stupid moment, he'd ruined nearly every relationship he had. He glanced up tiredly when he heard footsteps raining down the stairs, and then Maggie and Jasper tumbled into the living room. He met Maggie's eyes, then they both looked back down awkwardly. Jasper looked back and forth between his cousin and his secret girlfriend.

"Well," he said, clapping his hands together. "I'm going up to bed." Maggie glared at him, and he sighed. "I'll drive you home." He and Maggie left, leaving Henry alone with his torturous thoughts.


	7. Author's Note

**Okay, nobody hates chapters devoted to Author's Notes more than me, but this is important and could not wait. The link to the Facebook page for a DVD release of Unnatural History is:**

**http: / / www. facebook. com / pages / DVD-Release-of-Unnatural-History-Season-One /183490668333917 # ! / pages / DVD-Release-of-Unnatural-History-Season-One / 183490668333917**

**(without spaces). Like it. It will make a difference. Even if you don't have a Facebook, set one up and like this page. **


	8. Chapter 7

"_Wanna scream out, no more hiding."- Adam Lambert_

The next day, Jasper and Maggie were hiding from Henry in the DOUM rooms. They wanted to give him some time alone to either cry and reflect on what he had done or get back together with Whitney. They were really hoping for the latter.

Maggie was sitting on a crate, her legs swinging, and Jasper was pacing around the warehouse, bored, looking for something interesting. "Hey, cool," he said, lifting a heavy crate away from a small alcove and uncovering a giant wooden contraption. "There's an old guillotine down here."

"Will you concentrate?" snapped Maggie, three words that she had to yell at him almost every day. To her, when she was trying to get something done, Jasper seemed to be as ADD as he possibly could without being medically diagnosed.

"I would, if we were actually doing anything," he replied. "We just came down here to hide. Why are we doing that, again?"

She sighed as if she had had to tell him why several times that day rather than twice. "Henry just went through a really bad break up," she explained. He knew that; he was there. He had their entire argument recorded, a fact that Maggie was still sure constituted as proof that he was creepy.

"Yeah, and as his friends we should be helping him through it," said Jasper. "He can't be feeling too fantabulous right now."

"Fantabulous?" she said, laughing so hard that she snorted a little.

"I don't know, it felt right." Jasper scratched his neck self-consciously and looked away.

"Well, don't trust the instincts that tell you that," said Maggie. Her tone was light, but when she was done talking she glanced down at the floor, her eyes cast far away from him. She had been doing that all day, stopping mid-conversation or just walking away from him. He recognized it as the way she acted when she had bad news. Maggie hated telling bad news the way she hated saying goodbye. (He had noticed that whenever someone had to leave, she somehow avoided whatever it was that made her so emotional by bidding them adieu in some other language- first with Whitney, then with Henry. He suspected that her excessive use of languages other than her own was more than just showing off.)

"Is something wrong?" he asked, putting a hand on her shoulder.

"Why aren't you yelling at me?" she demanded suddenly, glaring up at him.

"I thought we were using our inside voices," said Jasper, pointing to the ceiling as if he needed to remind her that they were indeed inside.

"I kissed Henry!" she wailed. He couldn't help thinking that it was a little strange how angry she was getting at _him _when technically she was the one who had cheated. Not that he blamed her.

"Yeah, I knew that," he reminded her.

"I feel like I'm getting off too easy," she sighed. Jasper chewed his lip and watched her carefully, wishing that there was some way he could make her feel better. Seeing her like this was like getting punched in the gut. She looked so weak and tired. He wondered if she was getting enough protein in her vegetarian diet and made a mental note to force feed her some peanuts and soybeans.

They stood there in silence for a few moments before he jokingly suggested, "If you want, we could get the guillotine out." He thought it would make her laugh, but she remained just as depressed.

"Ugh, I couldn't sleep last night." She crashed onto a wooden crate, Jasper swallowing his warnings of splinters. "I just felt so guilty! I can't believe I let him kiss me, even though I love you-"

"Whoa," said Jasper, staring at her. "Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa." He felt like he was trying to calm a horse, but he couldn't stop. "Back it up. You love me?"

"I didn't say that," she said quickly. "Sound bounces in here."

"I love you, too," said Jasper, smiling.

"Then never mind what I said, the acoustics in here are just fine," she amended. He helped her up and kissed her.

Just then the door to the mail shed slammed open. "Jasper?" called Henry. He pulled away from Maggie.

"Oh, snap!" she hissed, pushing him away and pretending to look casual. Meanwhile, Jasper had taken her exclamation as his cue to make fun of her by humming the "That's So Raven" theme song.

"Hey, guys, what's up?" said Henry, jogging to meet them.

"We were just looking for anything that might point us toward the mummy," Maggie lied easily.

"I'll help," offered Henry. Jasper rolled his eyes.

"Fantabul-" he started to say, but then he noticed Maggie's expression. "-imic. Fanta Bulimic." Maggie had to resist the urge to kick him, but Henry appeared not to have noticed.

"Maggie," began Henry, "I haven't gottan a chance to apologize yet, but I'm really sorry about what happened yesterday."

"Apology accepted," she shrugged noncommittally.

"I guess I just felt like ever since I got back from Russia, you two have been slipping away from me," he said. Jasper tensed, wondering what Henry meant. "Like you're always off doing your own things somewhere. I don't know, I'm probably being paranoid, thinking you guys are hiding something." Maggie was staring at him with wide, worried eyes, but her eyes narrowed in irritation when Jasper started to speak.

"Yeah, that's paranoid," he said, exhibiting his thoroughly awful dramatic talent. "What do you think we're doing, having some kind of secret relationship behind your back? I mean, that'd be shocking. It's like, 'whoa, Jasper and Maggie are boyfriend and girlfriend.' How weird would that be?"

Henry stared at him. "What?"

"So this mummy," he recovered, turning to Henry. "I mean, what's going on with that?" Maggie rolled her eyes, more thankful than she had ever been before that Henry was so out of it.

"You know what, Garko just got in," he said, looking up at the mail shed. "I'll see you guys later." He hurried away, leaving them alone in the warehouse.

"Did you hear that?" said Maggie, running her fingers through her hair like she did whenever she was nervous. "We're the reason he and Whitney broke up! Now I feel a hundred times guiltier. This is all our fault!"

Jasper frowned, watching his girlfriend despair. Then he sighed, "I'll get the guillotine out."

* * *

**A/N: Don't forget to like the Facebook page for the DVD Release of Unnatural History! (It's been endorsed by Mike Werb, Jordan Gavaris, Kevin Schmidt, and Italia Ricci!)**

http: / / www. facebook. com / pages / DVD-Release-of-Unnatural-History-Season-One /183490668333917 # ! / pages / DVD-Release-of-Unnatural-History-Season-One / 183490668333917

(without spaces).

**This was a lot of Jasper and Maggie, but I promise that the next chapter is a lot of Henry. (They're all so awesome, they have to balance each other out.) And then I think there'll be either 1-2 chapters after the next one, including a sort of epilogue. And then I have big plans for the new year. Review and ask for it if you want a teaser of my next Jaggie story in the next chapter!**


	9. Chapter 8

"_Every day's closer, closer to closure." – Aly & AJ_

Henry walked into the mail shed intending to take another look at the mummy in the box, but it was no longer there. He scanned the shed before realizing that it really was gone and turned to Garko, who was typing something on his laptop. "Broxton, where's that mummy?" He glanced up, his brow wrinkled.

"What mummy?" He sounded truly confused, but Henry knew better.

"The mummy that a few days ago you told me was found buried beneath King Tut's tomb." Whitney had just dumped him after he'd torched his relationship with Maggie and messed up the balance in the little group he shared with Jasper and Maggie, possibly forever. That vinegar-drenched corpse wrapped in old linens was literally the only good thing in his life at the moment, and now his boss was acting like it had never existed.

Garko sighed and shut his laptop, looking up at Henry apologetically. "Look, I know technically you work for me, but I like to think we're friends, and you are my friend, so please forgive me."

"Forgive you for what?" asked Henry.

"I mean, Bryan works above me, although he's not technically my boss, so I probably should have told you…" he trailed off guiltily. Henry groaned internally.

"Garko, what's going on?" he demanded.

"That mummy was a prop from last year's Halloween party," he admitted. Henry frowned, less mad at Garko than himself for not realizing that it was a fake. He'd seen mummies before, real ones, and felt that he really should have known better than to fall for a decoration. Not that he hadn't had other things on his mind, but still. "Your uncle wanted me to make up that story about it to keep you away from investigating the museum robbery over winter break." Henry deflated and ran his fingers through his short hair, disappointed. "I'm sorry, Henry. I didn't want to do this."

"It's okay," he shrugged. "I have other things to do, anyway." He didn't, but he wanted to get out of there and mope about his pathetic life in privacy. Before he left, he turned back to Garko. "About the robbery-"

"Get out," he groaned.

* * *

In the hall, Henry felt his cell phone vibrate in his pocket and checked it to see that he had received a text from Whitney asking him to meet her outside the school later that afternoon. Baffled but a bit elated, he called Jasper for guidance, who answered on the second ring. "What's up, Hen?"

"Whitney just asked me to meet her," he said without bothering with greetings. He needed advice and he needed it quickly. "Do you think she wants to get back together?" He heard his cousin sigh with what sounded like pity on the other end of the call.

"No, dude, it's the post-break up talk," he explained. "Now that you're all done with the irrational yelling, you have to go talk calmly and apologize and just… cool down. It's called closure."

"Well, what do I do?" he asked nervously, walking towards the door of the school.

"Bring her anything that you have that belongs to her," suggested Jasper. "And just talk to her. Maybe you'll be able to still be friends, despite the whole kissing Maggie thing." Henry nodded to himself, thinking that it was sound advice, when Jasper continued. "_Or_, show her that you're totally over her by bringing along some girl that's hotter than her."

"I've got half an hour," said Henry.

"Okay, then forget that last part," said Jasper. "I'll see you at home."

"Alright," he sighed, ending the call and sliding the phone back into his pocket. He was pretty sure that what was coming was going to be difficult, but he highly doubted that it would be more difficult than the break-up itself. With a deep breath, he headed out the doors and towards whatever his ex-girlfriend had in store for him.

* * *

Henry was waiting on Uncle Bryan's porch when Whitney pulled up to the house in her blue VW Bug. Bracing himself for what was coming, Henry met her at the driveway and accepted her invitation to the passenger's seat. He shoved away the paranoid part of him, which was screaming that the car was filling with noxious gas and she was trying to kill him for revenge, and closed the car door. He opened his mouth to apologize, but she started talking first.

"Henry, I don't blame you," she said. "Yeah, you kissed another girl, but I can see why that happened." She sounded well-rehearsed and oddly comfortable in such an awkward situation, and he reminded himself that she was a reporter. "We were never really going to work out. I'm going to college in a few months, we're too different, and you really don't know enough about relationships." She paused like she needed to compose herself, but Henry could sense the underlying acting that went into it. She was purposely pausing, as if for dramatic effect. A reporter thing, he guessed. He remained silent. "I do want to thank you for convincing me to move back to DC. This is where I belong." He nodded, wondering if she was done talking.

"I have your lip gloss," he said, speaking for the first time as he handed her a tube of strawberry lip gloss. "I found it in Jasper's car." She glanced at it.

"That's not mine," she replied. He retracted his arm, knowing that he recognized the smell of the lip gloss, but apparently he was mistaken. It must have been Maggie's.

"Sorry." At least he got that apology in there. He put a hand on the door handle, sure that it was his place to leave at that moment.

"See you around, Jungle Boy." He stepped out of the car and watched her drive away.

* * *

It was that evening, after Maggie had claimed the lip gloss, that Henry started to smell its sweet strawberry aroma again. And Maggie was sitting across the room. He glanced sideways at his cousin, who was sitting beside him on the couch. "Jasper?"

"Yeah?"

"Why do I smell Maggie's lip gloss coming from your direction?" Jasper and Maggie froze, and he surreptitiously ran his tongue over his bottom lip, tasting the residue of her lip gloss from the last time they'd kissed.

"Uh…" he said before his sixteen years of lying experience kicked in, "I needed chapstick badly but all I had was her lip gloss." _Nailed it!_

Of course, he hadn't counted on Maggie having a sudden attack of guilt. "He's lying!" she blurted. Henry stared at her. "He smells like my lip gloss because we kissed!"

"You kissed?" said Henry, shocked.

"Just the once," Jasper assured him, shooting a glare at Maggie.

"That's not true, we've been secretly dating behind your back!" Maggie continued.

"Dude!" said Jasper, breaking his promise to never call her that.

"Sorry," she mouthed to him while Henry looked dumbfounded. Sure, he'd noticed something going on since winter break, but he hadn't thought it might be this. He hadn't put together the signs, not yet, and the reveal hit him like the bolder in that Indiana Jones movie Jasper thought he would like so much.

"So…" he stuttered, "you two are… boyfriend and girlfriend?"

"I think we've started using the word 'love,'" Jasper clarified. "Don't be mad. At me, I wanted to tell you. Be mad at Maggie." She rolled her eyes.

"This is big news," breathed Henry. "It's good news, but _big._"

"I know," said Maggie, smiling across the room at Jasper. Henry looked back and forth between them.

"Alright, get a room," he sighed, earning odd looks from the other two. Apparently, he'd picked up a new phrase.

**A/N: The funny thing is that Italia Ricci was on the show "Secret Girlfriend." **

**Remember to like the Facebook page for the DVD release of Unnatural History, if you haven't already! We just got past 900 likes yesterday!**


	10. Chapter 9

Downtown DC, the streets had slowly emptied. The Mall was illuminated with the pale light of the full moon, and the marble of the empty Lincoln Monument glistened in the starlight. Well, empty except for one person.

Maggie stood in front of the hulking statue of Abraham, eyes fixed on the tip of his right knee, lips moving but silent. The stress and tension that had built up in his neck and shoulders was steadily slipping away with each word she murmured, and a deep sense of fatigue was slipping over her. One thing was for sure, her guilt-induced insomnia would not plague her tonight.

"Hey." A hand landed on her shoulder. She jerked away, a quick yelp escaping from her mouth, and instinctively fell into one of the defensive poses she had learned at MAD. When she realized that it was just Jasper, she relaxed. He smiled a little and patted her on the shoulder to calm her. "What are you doing here?" She didn't bother asking him how he'd found her. His cousin was like a bloodhound, and she wasn't exactly a protected witness.

"Nothing," she said, a soft blush rising to her cheeks. She'd hoped to be alone, that her boyfriend had found her in what she felt was her own private sanctuary embarrassed her deeply.

"Seriously," he said, winding an arm around her shoulders and spinning her into his arms. "Talk to me."

"Confession," she sighed, unwrapping herself from his grasp. He held her out at arm's length and stared at her, confused.

"What?"

"This is where I come to get everything off my chest," she admitted, noticing his snide grin. "And just because I said chest, it doesn't give you permission to stare." He laughed as she zipped up her jacket.

"Don't most people go to church for confession?" Jasper pointed out.

"I don't really think I'd be welcome in a church," she replied dryly, inducing another laugh from him.

"Come on," he said. "You're an atheist, not a vampire." She shrugged, partially agreeing with him an partially just wanting him to go away and leave her alone. "So what are you confessing?"

"If just telling you were that easy, I wouldn't be talking to the Lincoln Memorial at ten at night," she said. She'd snapped at him, a little too loudly, and had to remind herself to quiet down as a group of kids their age started heading across the grass in front of the monument.

"Is this still about you kissing Henry?" he sighed. Not for the first time, she remembered that he really did know her inside and out. It was sometimes an upside, sometimes a downside of dating Jasper Bartlett.

"Well, it really bothers me!" she said. "And…" This was the part she was really ashamed of, what half an hour of the blank stone stare of Abraham Lincoln had yet to cure. "I didn't pull away. I didn't think it was gross. I wasn't even thinking about you."

"Okay, you know what I'm going to do?" he said, rubbing a hand across his forehead as though he were fed up with Maggie's guilt. "If this is bothering you so much, then I'll go out and kiss somebody and then we'll be even." She laughed at first, but then sobered up as she took in the meaning of his words.

"You would do that for me?"

"I'd do everything for you," he said honestly. "I have since I met you." She smiled.

"Go kiss somebody," she said, wondering if it would really make her feel better. "Besides, it's not like you're going to be able to."

"Oh really?" he said cockily, raising an eyebrow.

"Really," she smirked.

With a slightly devious grin, he sprinted down the steps of the memorial, across the cobbled road, and straight through the group of teens she had noticed earlier. He pulled a girl aside, said something to her, and then they both leaned in to kiss each other. Maggie's mouth dropped open. She was stunned, and wondered if there were something wrong with the girl. Not that Maggie didn't find Jasper loveable and attractive, but she knew that he wasn't exactly the kind of guy whose first impression made you want to kiss him.

"Oh my God!" she gasped, unsure whether she should be laughing, as he walked back up the steps to her. "Did you know her?"

"Yeah, she goes to Smithson," he shrugged. "Her name's ...Miranda. Or Anna."

"You know, you're a little bit of a player," she said. He laughed.

"So we're good?"

"We're good."

"I love you," he said.

"I love you," Maggie mirrored.

"Kind of starting to sound like olive juice," he pointed out, causing her to roll her eyes.

"I could go for some olive juice right now," she murmured, the mention of olives making her stomach growl. He kissed her, then extended an arm to walk her home.

* * *

Back at the Bartlett home, Henry was lying in his hammock, trying to work something out on his abacus. He slid a few beads to the left, glanced at his homework, then sighed and set the abacus on his floor. "Can't do decimals on that thing," he complained to himself and picked up the calculator from the windowsill, holding it as if it were about to explode.

Jasper jogged into the room then and hopped on his bed, kicking his Converse off. They landed across the room in the closet he shared with Henry. "Did it work?" asked Henry, tossing both the calculator and his homework back in his messenger bag.

"Perfectly," Jasper said. "Maggie's fine. How much did you have to pay Miranda?"

"Anna," he corrected, ignoring Jasper's whispered "I knew it!" to himself. "And I think it would be better for your self-esteem if you didn't know how much."

"So you're definitely not getting back together with Whitney?" said Jasper, changing the topic of the conversation back to his cousin.

"Definitely not," he confirmed. "But you know, I think it might be time to give the whole dating thing a shot."

"Good time to start," said Jasper, thinking of both the crowds of lovesick girls who followed around Henry at school and the approach of the most romantic holiday of the year, Valentine's Day. "There are about a hundred girls vying for your love." Henry nodded thoughtfully. "I'm going to bed. Goodnight, Henry."

"Goodnight, Jasper," he replied as Jasper yanked the cord on his lamp and the room went dark. They lay there in silence for a while, drifting off the sleep, and then Henry asked, "What does the CE on a calculator mean?"

"Go to sleep," Jasper grunted in response. Henry laughed, and then shifted in his hammock, shut his eyes, and did just that.

* * *

**A/N: Well, that's the end! Hopefully I will be starting my next UH fic soon, but I'm not sure which one it will be, I have several different ideas floating around in my head. It will probably be a Jaggie futurefic set about ten years in the future. And it's a murder mystery. **

**Don't forget to like the DVD Release of UH page, and tell everyone you know to like it, too! We just got past 1,100 likes!**


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